My Twitter stalkers…er crushes, Welsh writing duo C L Raven, were kind enough to submit a tale for my Trauma Llama series. Given their hilarious ghost hunting YouTube show is called “C.A.T.S. Calamityville Horror“, and that they’re frequently getting lost on the way to a ghost hunt, I figured anything Cat and Lynx sent in would have be a hoot. And it is.
[Skip to it!]
The twins have recently released their second collection of humorous, macabre short stories Disenchanted, this batch is their “collection of broken fairytales”. I’ve bought it and it’s GREAT!
Here’s C L Raven’s Trauma Llama tale:
When we read Anya’s trauma llama post, we laughed. The image of a tiny Anya being terrified by an exploding Peep was hilarious. We’re mean like that. We wanted to contribute but nothing seriously traumatic has ever happened to us. However, disaster and calamity happen to us on an almost daily basis. On those things, we could keep Anya in posts for years but we’ve chosen one because it was particularly memorable and resulted in us committing a crime. In the name of good.
Everyone in our street knows us as the ones with all the animals, so whenever our neighbours go away, we look after their pets. Nothing disastrous has ever happened – we’ve looked after our next door neighbour’s cats for over 10 years without a single incident. But three years ago, we were asked to look after a different neighbour’s 2 cats, Coffee and Cream. This was the first time we’d cared for them. Now, our cats don’t like us going anywhere in our street without them chaperoning us. Something about protecting us from monsters but we think they just don’t like us wasting their feeding time on other cats.
And so they followed us over. We quickly shut Coffee and Cream in the house and marched Warlock and Ebony back home. When we returned, to our dismay, we discovered our neighbour’s front door was self-locking. After a panicked search, a peek through the letterbox confirmed our worst fears. The keys were on the table in the hall. The cats were mewing because they wanted to come back out. We couldn’t find a spare key anywhere. Out of desperation, we tried any key we could find in our house and our uncle’s house. By now, us, our mum and uncle were trying to find ways to break in. Not a single neighbour stopped us, which was worrying. There were no open windows and the letterbox was too narrow to fit our tiny hands through. An hour and a half later, the cats were sounding more pitiful by the minute. Our neighbours weren’t home for another day. We phoned their daughter but she couldn’t get to us til the next morning. We did the only thing we could think of.
We made our own burglary tool.
Out of a wire coat hanger, a physiotherapy band and a toasting fork. And it worked. It actually worked and we successfully broke in to their house without leaving any tools marks, without breaking anything or leaving any evidence behind. We had the perfect burglary tool. Unfortunately, this isn’t something we can proudly display on Dragon’s Den. A new career was beckoning should the writing fail. The cats were rescued and we vowed never to speak of it again.
Until now. On Thursday they asked us to look after Coffee for a few days. (Cream sadly passed away 2 years ago). We were hoping the incident had been completely forgotten about due to the time length. She handed over a key with a thank you card that read “We’ve given you the back door key this time so you can’t lock yourselves out.” God damn it.
I started giggling at the cat names and kept right on to the end. Thanks, ladies!
Do you have a Trauma Llama story you’d like to share? Prod me on Twitter (@AnyaBreton) or e-mail me anya at anyabreton.com 🙂