Every few days I post what I call “Chats with MG” to my Facebook author page–whenever my guy (MG) says something of note. Or at least, something of note that can be translated into text on Facebook. Here are the ones from Jan, Feb and March so far.
*MG sees a guy on an H&R Block commercial*
MG: That guy is creepy, like clown creepy.
Me: I resent that.
MG: Baby, you’re creepy too.
MG: “I told Rob that by the end of my vacation I’d better have a working ED-209.”
MG: “Have you ever seen Robocop?”
Me: “Um yes, but I wouldn’t remember specific shit like that in it.”
MG: “Do you remember the big crab robot with the gatling guns?”
MG: “Well, that is the ED-209.”
Me: “How can you remember random shit like that from a movie from decades ago but not what I want you to remember from yesterday?”
MG: “The brain has a finite amount of space in it so I can only remember–”
Me: “You learned that from a Dexter’s Laboratory episode!”
MG is in rare form tonight.
MG: What’s that one kind of ice cream the cat eats?
Me: Cake batter? That we MAKE?
MG: Oh right. That YOU won’t make anymore.
Me: Me? ME? I’m not the one that said we couldn’t make ice cream again until we bought a fancy new ice cream maker. *makes a MG-like face and adopts her MG voice* That doesn’t take salt. And can be frozen.
MG: You know you can get slow cookers with robot brains.
MG: They can control the nation’s defense grid.
Me: You’re such a whack job.
Just had MG turn on my flat iron for me because he was standing beside it. He looked at the temperature and says, “390 degrees? Wow, I could like…do stuff with that.”
MG: “Thems hippy burning temperature.”
MG pops in to tell me about Dropbox network settings, sees me chugging Nerds Candy at 10:50PM.
MG: You’re not supposed to be eating those now. You’re supposed to be in bed before too awful long.
Me: *sheepishly* I know
MG: Those are like…pure sugar.
Me: *holds the big 6oz box she’s had since xmas guiltily*
MG: They’re worse than pure sugar. They’re super saturated sugar.
Me: *looks even more guilty despite having not eaten more than one tiny chug*
MG: They like…atomically collide sugar into sugar to create super sugar. It’s like sugar fusion.
Me: *busts out* *sneaks another chug*
I’m a little concerned about MG in this latest chat with MG:
Me: *showing MG the slack in her waistband* I’m between sizes or something.
MG: I’m 36.
Me: *stares because she knows his waistband isn’t 36*
MG: or 32. Or maybe 43.
Me: You mean your age?
Me: Are you being serious right now?
Me: Baby you were born in 1973. It’s 2013. How old does that make you?
MG: I don’t know. I’m tired. I thought it was 2016.
Chat with MG on a day he stayed home sick with a sore throat:
Me: am I supposed to be stopping for food for us?
MG: Yeah. Even before my cholera
Me: *rolls her eyes*
MG: I could have gone worse. Like weaponized smallpox.
Me: We need a convection oven.
Me: Mom had one and we were toasting everything. Quickly. We didn’t have to wait a half hour for the oven to heat up before we toasted our fancy bread.
MG: We need that microwave convection oven combo we saw at Fry’s. With the pizza oven.
Me: *snickers* *thinks* Oh. I guess that’s a good idea. Then we could get rid of the microwave.
MG: *looks it up* Hey, this other oven makes ice. I need that. Because I often find myself sitting at work thinking, “I wish there was ice in my oven when I got home.”
MG: Kitchenaid has one with knobs.
Me: you said knobs.
MG: Okaaay, six-year-old. *researches more* Ooh there it is. It’s only $219 now. Oooh, It has the auto pizza button. I think that means you throw all the ingredients on a platter and hit the button. A pizza pops out magically. You don’t even have to arrange it in the correct order.
Chat from MG (he’s sick & using an iPad):
9:31 Theyre sctua
9:31 Lly getting me inbat 11
9:32 I think if they cant fix me i might just have them proceed with cremation
Translation: They’re [the doctor’s office] actually getting me in at 11.
Chat with MG at home:
Me: Okay, time to go to Walmart.
MG: Time for me to work on work…on flowcharts.
MG: Yeah. They bought me software to make flowcharts.
MG: $100 worth.
Me: *stares harder*
MG: *draws it out* Microsoft…VISIO
Me: How DARE you bring that TAINT into OUR HOUSE!
MG: What? The HP laptop or flowcharts?
MG: I love flowcharts. Some day I’ll show you the flowchart of our relationship.
MG: It’s written in hieroglyphics on the temple walls.
Me: *looks over his shoulder and sees the flowchart* *bares teeth and hisses*
MG: Don’t, you’re going to make me laugh. And then I’ll expire.
March 6 (3 minutes later)
MG: hey, 3 minutes ago somebody wrote this really cool story about their boyfriend.
Chat with MG while we watch Glee–the scene where the supposed high school guys slide into the room wearing only white shirts and socks a-la Risky Business while singing Bob Seger.
Me: Is that legal for school?
MG: No. It’s not legal to reenact any Tom Cruise movies in high school.
Me: *busts out*
Chat with MG, still watching Glee–the scene where there’s 1 girl and 2 guys are singing Unchained Melody to her.
MG: There’s only one solution.
Me: Fight to the death?
MG: I was going with “the beast with three backs”.
Chat with MG, just before bed–Sunday after he’s been out sick with influenza for nearly two weeks:
MG: *walks into bedroom* Many moons have passed since I’ve had to tread the dark path.
Me: You thought that up in the bathroom didn’t you?
MG: *stares* *lower lip quivers*
Me: Like…while you were brushing your teeth and shit, you were coming up with that line just so you could use it on me.
MG: *trying not to smile* Maayyybeee
Me: Uh huh.
MG: *grabs the nearest thing–a bar of fancy chocolate* Listen woman, be quiet or I’ll take away your found chocolate*
Me: *Busts out*
Chat with MG–while watching Supernatural:
Castiel (in the show): “I was looking for Lucifer’s Crypts.”
MG: They’re opposed by Gabriel’s Bloods.
Me: *busts out*
Chat with MG after it’s been snowing for a half hour:
MG *walks in while I’m writing*: The storm has reached the point where we have to decide whether we’re going to give into cannibalism. And if so, hit the neighbor’s house before we lose access.
Me: *shakes her head* This is going on Facebook.
MG: Why is ‘My Little Pony’ in the Top 10 on my Netflix? Between Firefly & a red demon Batman head?
Me: HAHA! You’re a BRONY!