It’s been a slow few months for Chats with my guy (MG). Here’s the recap of the ones I’ve posted on Facebook this year.
So MG decided to count the change in my chicken-shaped piggy bank. He shoved his finger up into the hole to get change to fall out.
Me: Are you fingering that chicken?
Me: You are! You’re repeatedly sticking your finger in that chicken’s undercarriage, making things rain down.
MG: Yes, I am. Blame it on the rain.
Me: Do you even know who you just quoted?
Me: Milli Vanilli
MG: *looks blank*
Me: Never mind.
MG: *tips bank over*
Me: *gets out camera*
MG: *vigorously shakes…change simply falls out*
Me: *busts out* You didn’t even have to finger that chicken!
MG: *turns bright red as he laughs* I guess not.
After he’s been sick for a week:
Me: oh btw, I’m still relatively healthy *knocks on wood again*
MG: stupid braggart human
Me: *walks into the living room, checks the TV, and sees MG is watching the documentary on Minecraft the nerd horde demanded he view* So, how is it?
MG: *glances up from laptop without lifting his fingers from the trackpad* Not that great.
Me: Oh that sucks. What game are you playing?
MG: *looks up sheepishly* I’m actually playing Minecraft.
Me: *busts out*
MG: Everyone kept giving me crap for not trying it!
MG: I need a new toothbrush.
Me: I kind of do, too. I’m just using the cheap freebie one the dentist gave me.
MG: Yeah, I can’t use those because I need *firm*. I’m a *firm* kind of guy.
Me: *shakes her head*
MG: I just need a band saw.
MG: er, I mean a belt sander.
Me: *cracks up*
MG: These are the times that make men impatient.
MG: Or whatever Churchill said.
Me: Um, I suspect Churchill was talking about something far more annoying than sitting at a red light for 45 seconds.
MG: So you mean the Battle of Britain was worse? All they had to do was wait around to get bombed.
Me: And to think you could have, too, if you’d had a bottle of J.D. with you.
[For the record, the quote is “These are the times that try men’s souls.” and Thomas Paine wrote it. But I had to look that up after the fact]
Me: When do you want to head out to dinner?
MG: When do you think the mall will be busy?
Me: *growls* Why do I always have to be the one with the answers?
MG: Fine. We’ll go at 5. I have decreed it. It’s been set in stone.
Me: In stone…really.
MG: Yes, I have a guy in Des Moines whose sole job is to chisel my decrees in stone.
Me: Okay, I’m making a prediction. *relays a work-related prediction*
MG: Okay, I’ll record the prediction.
Me: No. Call your Des Moines guy.
MG: *laughs* Except I didn’t decree that. That’s abusing the Chisler. Get your own tablet maker.
Me: He can’t be called the Chisler unless he has a theme song like the Waffler.
(About if my health problems are related to a lack of water)
MG: We know we can trust this guy’s advice. His name is “Dr. Axe”. *points to the picture*
Me: *looks* *notes Dr. Axe looks like a fraternity boy*
MG: I assume that’s Axe as in Axe body spray.
Me: *busts out*
(while he’s still looking up medical stuff)
MG: Dr. Axe says oregano oil is good. He says oregano oil benefits are superior to prescription antibiotics
Me: You know how I feel about oregano.
MG: But it’s good for you. Dr. Axe says 1000 pounds of wild oregano is used to produce just 1 pound of oregano oil.
Me: One pound? That’s A LOT of oil.
MG: Not really. A gallon of milk is like two point two pounds.
Me: And if that pound of oil dropped on our carpet, we’d have to burn the place down. It’s the only way to get rid of it.
MG: But that would be a really good smelling fire. I’d be like “Where’s the Italian restaurant, motherfucker?”
Me: *shakes her head*
MG: I’m bored with Dr. Axe. I looked through like 9 pages and not once did he ax anyone.
Me (on walking): There were a few people out there jogging/running it. There was one woman with her tiny little dachshund. He made me feel like a slacker (she passed me going the other way). His little feet were practically flying
MG: hahaha those are tiny tiny dogs
Me: Exactly. And he was going faster than the chick…who was likely going faster than me…therefore, I was a slacker
MG: nah, you were majestic
(after watching Top Chef Masters and hearing about Ophrah Winfrey’s personal chef.)
Me: Can you imagine having enough money to pay someone to make you world class food?
MG: *You* pay someone to make you world class food.
Me: Well, maybe…if we’re talking about the third world.
MG: Adira (his cat), I hate your master.
Me: *CACKLES* Well, I’d say second world, maybe. I can’t say first world because you haven’t grilled that pork loan with the cherries and apples lately.
MG: It’s called a roulade.
MG: A roulade, where you slice the roast and roll the cherries and apples into it. It’s French. And I haven’t made it lately because we’re at war.
Me: We are not at war.
MG: We have been ever since that mime…
Me: *bursts into song after a Huggies commercial* The first hug ever I hugged your–
Me: Hugged your face?
MG: Yes. I’m going to hug your face. I’m going to hug your face so hard.
Me: I thought the galaxy gear was the watch, and that it was supposed to talk to a samsung phone, and that you said it would work with your phone after an update
MG: yeah it will work. But there are multiple models. The one I was going to get for $80 wouldn’t do what I’d want it for…which is to be all Dick Tracy cool
Me: That’s aiming a little low. I thought you wanted to be Chuck’s Dad cool [from the TV show Chuck]
MG: well that’s what I’d really want but they don’t make one with big enough screen